If you are needing another reason to live, then perhaps you can use one of mine. The motivation and drive stems from a deep hope that I might one day understand that all things are created from matter (and therefore there exists a truth that everything is connected). Even further than that is the constant desire to communicate this concept. To be able to speak about all of the mind boggling things which we can contemplate in a way that holds on to the true essence of the thoughts is a challenge that will take me a lifetime, and therefore is certainly a reason to live one. I may one day find out that these experiences cannot ever be communicated and shared. That is fine, it is the questions and unknowns that fuel me, not the answers themselves.
I discovered that this was a passion of mine when writing about nothing in particular. I will just leave the writing as it was, may you glean from it what you will. So, here is the journal journey…
Shall we then, embark to re-discover my soul?
Am I gathering strength-through reading-to bit by bit come back to myself?
How I begged the mountains last night to let me see them as I stared from atop Our hill. In response, they told me to climb down and start humbly looking at the simplicities. When I had mastered rocks and grass they returned my “sight” and allowed me to look up at their enormity.
The point is that my sight returned-or more so-I returned. It was familiar. The close scent of wonder lingered.
Later, this return called the clarity of oneness that I then tried to explain to my Grandma over dinner. How the loss is an infinite gain, and the scientific “singularity” that exists at the utmost level of connection. In this singularity (as is proposed in the Big Bang), two fundamental theories or laws break down. Where general relativity and quantum mechanics (which break down), are replaced by our concepts of “me” and separation; they dissolve completely.
In this one there can still exist myself, however it is a self which engulfs all, so that the universe shouts the name given to this self.
In the woods I experienced the absolute death of the ideas of separation and “me”. I died straight into that singularity where loss becomes gain and they becomes we.
And then the boughs echoed my name. The swaying golden grass with their crispy paper stalks showed me who I was. The blue found in the deep green of the pines, the voice of the birds all were unmistakably mine.
A mine without possession, do you understand? Where all is mine so nothing is mine alone.
Ah, but how do I even chance to describe the space that exists in the infinite for that which we call ourselves? Moreover, what is to be gained in having words to jail the experience?
It seems the further one gets in thought, the more one’s words are spent speaking of the inferiority of our words in contrast to our now familiar lover that is thought itself.
But, OH how much fun I have with them! To one day return from the distant shores of the mind (if I may) and somehow hold the paint that might render the gleam of the sands in perfect likeness. What joy that would bring!
It is in the discourse between the heaven and hell of our minds and the earth of our words that I find much cause to live. As in science, there still exists a vast Void of uncertainty. And where there is something to be understood and observed, there is cause and call for humans.
So, I go to those shores often. And toil in frustrated confusion as creation after creation in all forms of art that I have learned returns an unrecognizable thought.
But perhaps it is so that there are in fact two truths. The indescribable thoughts and the mess of words. Am I the bidder of either? Alas, who shall know for I cannot yet even describe the lack of truth using only half of it…though I continue to try…
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart’s knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.”
Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.”
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.”
-Kahlil Gibran, On Self-Knowledge