Abstract Thoughts

When Someone Holds You Back

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I’ve been here before.

Was it before or is it always?
Is it forever or forever ago?

You look different.
Hold different.
Think the same.

That’s it!

That’s the always and forever.
But it’s my before.

Forever ago I thought in this room.
My mind has travelled the Universe three times since then.
Three times still ends where it began.
I still don’t know,
And I still don’t know what I don’t know.
But don’t the passport stickers on my heart change something?
Is there any difference if the answer is the same?

You delight in your always.

So why did you go and pick me?
My every moment is instantly a before, forever ago.
I thought like that too…
before this happened.

I’m in the river rushing for the waterfall.
But, I’ve fallen off enough cliffs to know that I don’t need to worry.

I am the river.

And I have been full of rocks and rapids since I first came down from the mountain.
You kindly offered me branches of your always thought to hold on to.
But what are branches to the movement of water?

As if I could light a candle to fill the light space of a star.
As if you could fix what only seems broken from the view of a young tree.

Your branches keep breaking.
The dam keeps easing.
And I,
who have always felt like too much in your arms,
rush out between your fingers.
But you misunderstand me.

I want to be damned by you.

Wish to be stilled to lake.
To sigh out all the great gallons of myself to the shores,
and know that I won’t flood you, the forest that I love.

“But Sarah,”
The moon calls as she draws me close.
“You must keep going.”
And she pushes me away.

Could you stem this tide and keep me?
No.
And I’m sorry for asking you to.

Run with me instead.

Experience every change in the river so that instead of having broken pieces of eye contact,
we flow in change and wonder.

Move.

Trust.

Don’t be attached.

You can’t resist the waterfall in the end,
and why do you want to anyways?
There’s thrill in those falls.
Laughter in the waters.

Time is the current,
And it rushes faster when we are afraid of what is ahead.
And it rushes faster when we only stare at what is behind.

Drown in this water.
So that there is no beginning and end,
Only life and connection.

And here it is, as we round the bend and fly off the edge.
Can you see the view?
This is what we will come to.
This is the serene pool at the base of that curiously dreaded fall.

This is the guarantee:

That if we keep rushing in the river of love,
Allowing the current of time to move as it will
Without struggling to attach ourselves to twigs and pebbles,
And we fearlessly fly over the fall,
Then we will dive into peace and beauty. We will be complete as we always were.

But.

I’m not attached to that guarantee.
Hold on,
Let me travel the Universe again…

Won’t you come with me this time?

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